Authenticity is a practice, not a destination
authenticity (noun): The quality of being true to oneself, and the capacity to shape one’s own life from a deep knowledge of that self.
In our (dominant) culture, we tend to praise “authentic” people and want to emulate them. Our prized cultural icons—the artists, leaders, and culture creators—seem to have some special gift that allows them to live in the world authentically. So when we notice the ways we are masking our true selves, it’s not surprising that we want to live as boldly and with as much freedom as these exceptional humans. But something happens when we begin our own process of opening up, especially when we attempt to be our more authentic selves in our personal and professional relationships. Rather than feeling courageous, we often find ourselves feeling exposed and not greeted with the open arms that we expected to receive us.
The path towards authenticity has been a significant theme in my own personal development and in my work with clients. The hard truth is that this path is uncomfortable and even heart-breaking. My personal work in acknowledging the truth of my full experience and reality—first to myself, then to others—has been fraught with challenge. I’ve felt marginalized and othered. I’ve confronted shame about my identities. I’ve lost relationships and jobs. And yet, I would do it all over again if I had to. The path of turning towards what is true for me has lead me towards a life that feels more aligned and rich than I ever expected. In this process, I’ve learned that authenticity is a practice, not a destination. It takes lots of small steps. First, the endless process of learning about yourself. Then, slowly learning how to share yourself with the world with skill and discernment.
Earlier this year, I decided to seek out honest feedback about the coaching website I had recently launched. As a former product manager, I had the user research skills to run this process, yet this felt different. I wasn’t seeking feedback on a product sold by a corporation…this was much closer to home, this was getting feedback on me. I had put a website out into the world that I believed authentically told my story. So what if people hated it? While I didn’t encounter any haters, I did receive critical feedback from people who didn’t resonate with me and my offerings. At first I was reactive, and started brainstorming all the ways I could address this feedback. Yet as I sat with it more, I had a realization: by being more authentic about who I was in my coaching practice, I had to face the fact that some people would not like what I offered. Beyond that, I was exposing myself to a world where there are people who hate who I am. But this is not the whole story, because I also found that by telling my story more authentically, I was deeply resonating with people that I would most want to work with.
Fast forward to today. I just completed a process working with a wonderful designer on a new logo. When I first saw the three options she shared, I found myself drawn to a more playful logo, one that felt fun and exciting. Yet my fears came up. Would this make me seem less professional? So I retreated. I told myself that I would choose the simpler, cleaner option that would be more universally accepted. But I kept finding myself hesitating. I asked for another day to consider my choices. When that next day arrived, I caught myself. I listened to my gut and got out of my over-analytical head. I thought, “I want this one, it brings me joy and feels authentically me.” So here is my new logo for your enjoyment (or not!).
I’d love to hear what small steps you have been taking to practice living more authentically.
Go deeper:
Read: The Myth of Normal: Trauma, Illness, and Healing in a Toxic Culture by Gabor Maté. This compelling (and oft controversial) book calls into question the culture of “normal”, and how healing from this myth can lead us on a path towards meeting two of our core needs: attachment and authenticity. Note: the definition of ‘authenticity’ above was taken from this work.
