You deserve to feel joy
Since the beginning of this year, a number of my clients have expressed guilt about their desire to feel joy. In the face of all the suffering they see in the world right now, what gives them the right to want joy in their lives?
Since the beginning of this year, a number of my clients have expressed guilt about their desire to feel joy. In the face of all the suffering they see in the world right now, what gives them the right to want joy in their lives?
You deserve to feel joy. You deserve to feel optimism about your future.
And no, I’m not talking about that “good vibes only” optimism that means having blinders on and ignoring suffering. I’m talking about your right as a human to yearn for a future that includes happiness, connection, love. You deserve those things.
But what about now? Shouldn’t I be taking care of those being targeted by hate? Yes, your care and mutual aid in support of immigrants, trans folks, and other marginalized communities is needed now more than ever. And also, it’s just as imperative that you practice self-care, self-love, and joy.
Your suffering does not make others suffer less. It’s a false belief that joy is a scarce resource, a belief perpetuated by extractive economics and political divisiveness. Joy is contagious, its abundance comes from you connecting to your own and sharing it with others. Especially those that are struggling.
You have my permission (which you don’t actually need): go find your joy.
And if you need support finding your joy during this disheartening and disorienting time, I have recently opened spaces in my coaching practice.
With joy and warmth,
Nat
Go deeper: Watch Pose on Hulu, a beautiful display of the healing power of joy in a marginalized community that faces so much suffering.
Authenticity is a practice, not a destination
In our (dominant) culture, we tend to praise “authentic” people and want to emulate them. Our prized cultural icons—the artists, leaders, and creators—seem to have some special gift that allows them to live in the world authentically. So when we notice the ways we are masking our true selves, it’s not surprising that we want to live as boldly and with as much freedom as these exceptional humans.
authenticity (noun): The quality of being true to oneself, and the capacity to shape one’s own life from a deep knowledge of that self.
In our (dominant) culture, we tend to praise “authentic” people and want to emulate them. Our prized cultural icons—the artists, leaders, and culture creators—seem to have some special gift that allows them to live in the world authentically. So when we notice the ways we are masking our true selves, it’s not surprising that we want to live as boldly and with as much freedom as these exceptional humans. But something happens when we begin our own process of opening up, especially when we attempt to be our more authentic selves in our personal and professional relationships. Rather than feeling courageous, we often find ourselves feeling exposed and not greeted with the open arms that we expected to receive us.
The path towards authenticity has been a significant theme in my own personal development and in my work with clients. The hard truth is that this path is uncomfortable and even heart-breaking. My personal work in acknowledging the truth of my full experience and reality—first to myself, then to others—has been fraught with challenge. I’ve felt marginalized and othered. I’ve confronted shame about my identities. I’ve lost relationships and jobs. And yet, I would do it all over again if I had to. The path of turning towards what is true for me has lead me towards a life that feels more aligned and rich than I ever expected. In this process, I’ve learned that authenticity is a practice, not a destination. It takes lots of small steps. First, the endless process of learning about yourself. Then, slowly learning how to share yourself with the world with skill and discernment.
Earlier this year, I decided to seek out honest feedback about the coaching website I had recently launched. As a former product manager, I had the user research skills to run this process, yet this felt different. I wasn’t seeking feedback on a product sold by a corporation…this was much closer to home, this was getting feedback on me. I had put a website out into the world that I believed authentically told my story. So what if people hated it? While I didn’t encounter any haters, I did receive critical feedback from people who didn’t resonate with me and my offerings. At first I was reactive, and started brainstorming all the ways I could address this feedback. Yet as I sat with it more, I had a realization: by being more authentic about who I was in my coaching practice, I had to face the fact that some people would not like what I offered. Beyond that, I was exposing myself to a world where there are people who hate who I am. But this is not the whole story, because I also found that by telling my story more authentically, I was deeply resonating with people that I would most want to work with.
Fast forward to today. I just completed a process working with a wonderful designer on a new logo. When I first saw the three options she shared, I found myself drawn to a more playful logo, one that felt fun and exciting. Yet my fears came up. Would this make me seem less professional? So I retreated. I told myself that I would choose the simpler, cleaner option that would be more universally accepted. But I kept finding myself hesitating. I asked for another day to consider my choices. When that next day arrived, I caught myself. I listened to my gut and got out of my over-analytical head. I thought, “I want this one, it brings me joy and feels authentically me.” So here is my new logo for your enjoyment (or not!).
I’d love to hear what small steps you have been taking to practice living more authentically.
Go deeper:
Read: The Myth of Normal: Trauma, Illness, and Healing in a Toxic Culture by Gabor Maté. This compelling (and oft controversial) book calls into question the culture of “normal”, and how healing from this myth can lead us on a path towards meeting two of our core needs: attachment and authenticity. Note: the definition of ‘authenticity’ above was taken from this work.
Stuck
People often come to me when they feel stuck. Stuck in a career that no longer inspires them. Stuck in a job they don’t feel successful in. Stuck in patterns they want to break or habits they can’t seem to pick up.
People often come to me when they feel stuck. Stuck in a career that no longer inspires them. Stuck in a job they don’t feel successful in. Stuck in patterns they want to break or habits they can’t seem to pick up.
Lately I’ve been feeling stuck. With all the busyness and stress of my work and life, my creative energy seemed to come to a full stop. The poetry and creative writing practice I had developed just didn’t flow. Nor did my nascent art practice. And the creativity I had for my coaching business dried up as well. This monthly newsletter took a pause. As did my Instagram. As did my project to refresh my website.
It wasn’t just that I was busy, although I surely have been. (Some of my most creative periods were also my busiest). This was different, I was in it. At the same time that my coaching business seemed to be getting its legs under it, I was navigating the swirl of life. There was a lot of challenge. I found myself supporting my family through various significant health challenges that impacted each of my parents, my kids, my partner, and myself. There was also lots of beauty, connective time with community, inspirational travel and art. Yet the density of everything I was up to left me in a feeling of scarcity.
My mind had been so hung up on the limits of my time that I neglected to focus on my energy. Old patterns reemerged. Rather than making space for self-care, I filled the gaps in my time with distractions. When my mind felt too busy to meditate, I turned to my email to check things off my list. When I couldn’t wind down before bed, a screen would keep me company. The things I was turning to in order to self-soothe were only reinforcing my stuck-ness.
I feel things starting to shift, and the fog of stuck-ness lifting. The density of my life has not decreased, but I’m once again making space to come home to myself. I’m choosing to meditate instead of checking my email; not every time, yet enough to remind myself that I have that choice. I’m choosing alone time to be in my thoughts and feelings, to journal and to rest, despite all the temptation of activity. I even took a candlelit bath.
Often when we feel stuck we try to do more. And in the cycle of scarcity it feels like we must do more. It can feel like we are in quicksand and must frantically try everything to prevent ourselves from being pulled under. Yet the trick to get out of quicksand is to move slowly. And the trick (if you can call it that) to get out of being stuck is to slow down. To take time to notice and not just act. To be rather than to do.
When was the last time you felt yourself stuck? What supported you to get un-stuck?
Go deeper:
Read the classic HBR article, Manage Your Energy, Not Your Time
Or better yet, take a pause from reading the internet to make space for a few mindful breaths.
💌 Want to receive regular posts like this in your inbox? Subscribe to my newsletter.
Equanimity?
A few years into my career as a product manager, I received a performance review that left me scratching my head. In the review I was praised for my ‘equanimity’…
A few years into my career as a product manager, I received a performance review that left me scratching my head. In the review I was praised for my 'equanimity', a term I was barely familiar with prior to joining this company that included it as a core cultural value. Like most of this company's values, 'equanimity' had been appropriated from Buddhism, and was described as "a fundamental okayness with things as they are." Yet at the point when I received this praise in my review, I was the furthest from okay. I was struggling to feel alignment in my role, I was overwhelmed by the demands on me as full-time working parent of two young kids, and I was deep into work with a therapist and a coach to avoid heading into complete burnout. So what was I missing?
What I've learned in the following years is that what was mistaken for equanimity in my job was actually my ability to mask my emotional state. I was good, probably great, at appearing calm among the swirl and chaos of my role. Throw a complex product problem at me with extremely high expectations and few resources to solve it, no problem. Send me into a political environment with stakeholders that could never agree, I'll be building consensus with a smile on my face. Despite the increased challenge I faced as my leadership scope expanded, I somehow held it together at work. But the truth was, there was a cost to my masking. That cost was my mental and physical health.
In the last few months, a number of my clients have shared similar stories. They are great at holding it together during the storm. And they also are noticing the costs of doing so. What I have learned on my own journey, and what I have helped my clients learn, is that developing equanimity is not about suppressing our emotions. When we experience stress, uncertainty, doubt, frustration, we need a release valve for it. You don't have to yell at your boss or rage quit, but you might want to find a safe space to process your anger and set clear boundaries.
The path to equanimity requires us to feel our feelings, to fully experience them and make space to metabolize them. And only through that process can we begin to be okay. We begin to be okay when we see that our emotions are always in flux. We are okay when we are sad. We are okay when we are angry. We are okay with our emotions, not in spite of them. Are you okay?
Go deeper:
Read about the Buddhist approach to equanimity here: Equanimity (Insight Meditation Center)
This newsletter was partially inspired by conversations calling into question the idea of professionalism as a universal standard. Read: The Bias of ‘Professionalism’ Standards (Stanford Social Innovation Review).
💌 Want to receive regular posts like this in your inbox? Subscribe to my newsletter.
Play
What would it feel like to have more play in your life? This is a question I have been sitting in for myself and in my client conversations since the new year.
What would it feel like to have more play in your life? This is a question I have been sitting in for myself and in my client conversations since the new year.
I have learned that play is not a thing. It is a feeling. Play is not dependent on having the time or capacity for "recreational activities". You don't need a pickle ball racquet or a bike for play, although those activities can certainly be playful. Play is accessible at almost any moment doing almost any activity with almost any other being (and certainly also when you are alone). Play feels like being open to any outcome. It feels like building something without regard for what it becomes, whether that's building a sand castle that will inevitably disintegrate or opening to the spark of a friendship with someone you may never see again. Play feels like imagining a beautiful future, a career where your heart is bursting with joy, a relationship where you safely walk toward your shame only to discovery a magical castle filled with delights.
Play is certainly not easy. When all day long you are confronted by threats to your safety: war, disease, layoffs, disaster. But in the midst of all this, there are children still creating carnivals out of couch cushions. So can you. In fact, I'd say that it's essential. That in spite of the pain and suffering in the world, we must be creating joy and passion and new possibilities for our futures. This has always been part of what it means to be alive. To be human. That despite everything, play is available to us right now.
Go deeper: Read Pleasure Activism: The Politics of Feeling Good by adrienne maree brown.
💌 Want to receive regular posts like this in your inbox? Subscribe to my newsletter.
I have a request
One of the most common challenges my clients face is asking for their needs to be met. This shows up at work, with unclear expectations of colleagues or stumbling through salary negotiation conversations. And it shows up in our personal lives, with ambiguous hopes for our romantic partners or unarticulated boundaries with family. It often leads to frustration and resentment.
One of the most common challenges my clients face is asking for their needs to be met. This shows up at work, with unclear expectations of colleagues or stumbling through salary negotiation conversations. And it shows up in our personal lives, with ambiguous hopes for our romantic partners or unarticulated boundaries with family. It often leads to frustration and resentment.
Getting your needs met requires practice.
As a recovering people pleaser, I have spent a lot of time working to get better at clearly articulating my needs. And I still bumble it sometimes. My partner and I have started a practice of naming our needs by explicitly stating, "I have a request." It might be something simple such as, "I'd like you to wash the dishes after dinner." It could also be something more challenging that requires further conversation like, "I want you to spend more time with my family." It's often awkward to make these requests. And worse, sometimes the answer is not what we want to hear (saying "no" is a whole other newsletter topic). But the practice of getting better at asking for our own needs to be met has helped me and our relationship to grow and flourish.
So dear reader, in the spirit of getting better of asking for my needs to be met, I have a request for you. Please share my practice with one person that may benefit from coaching with me. Perhaps you know someone that's burnt out in their career or is looking to do work that feels more values-aligned. Perhaps someone you care about is in the middle of a major life or career transition. You can introduce them to me, or send them a link to book a free consultation conversation.
Go deeper:
Read: Nonviolent Communications by Marshall Rosenberg
Reflect: This reflection exercise is to support you in making successful requests for your needs to be met. Reflect once every day and ask yourself the following questions. Take brief notes so that you can begin to notice patterns.
What requests did I make today?
How successful were my requests (i.e. did what you requested happen)?
What requests did I avoid making?
What reason did I have for not making the request?
💌 Want to receive regular posts like this in your inbox? Subscribe to my newsletter.